Coming+of+Age

The Assignment  What I Learned: This paper required me to reflect on past experiences, and made me carefully consider how I view myself. I realized that I do not see myself as being completely a girl, nor completely a woman. However, due to the situations I have been placed in, I view myself as being closer to a woman. By writing this paper, I learned a little bit about myself. I especially learned how I distinguish children from adults, or girls from women. I also noticed that it is possible, as was the case with myself, for a person to make that significant transition from child to adult without even being aware of it happening. On My Way Since kindergarten, I've always been one of the kids who got picked up late. With two working parents, my father on the news and my mother in medical school, I would remain at school while others departed. I would watch as one by one my friends would run into their parents’ loving arms and cars to return home. At ‘//Iolani//’s lower school, the staff who watched the late kids stayed until around 6:00 pm. By this time, usually no more than three kids were remaining, one of which was often me. The child/children were then marched down to the guard shack, where the guard kept an eye on the kids until their parents arrived. The next day at school, it was almost a bragging right to have gotten to stay at the guard shack. In actuality, although I would never confess it to my peers, it was quite boring. There was one bench that was just an inch too small to lie on comfortably, and the constant sound of an old static radio mumbling Filipino music while the old guard quietly hummed along filled the air. My mind wandered over thousands of thoughts as I sat alone. Time seemed to pass so slowly at the guard shack.

Admittedly, I resented my parents at times, but inside I knew it was wrong to do so because they weren’t abandoning me, they were working hard to broaden my opportunities. In fourth grade I learned what real responsibility was, which made the time spent at the guard shack seem insignificant. My mother had moved to California in order to finish her medical residency at UCLA. Suddenly it was as if my dad had become a single father of two kids working two jobs. I woke up to an empty house every morning, and locked the doors and windows up once I was ready for school. I got my first cell phone at age nine not because I wanted it, but because I needed it in order to coordinate my various carpools. I waited outside my house until a classmate in my neighborhood picked me up. Being alone in the silence of the mornings frightened me, so I usually sang loudly into the emptiness. After school I either found a way to soccer practice or waited for my dad to come. If I wanted to play around after school, and did not answer or use my shiny new cell phone, then I missed my ride. This was both my decision and fault. I became responsible for myself in fourth grade.

I realize that I am only seventeen, and that many would consider what I view as hardships trivial. However, they contribute to who I am and influence how I perceive myself as a young woman. I have found something that I love in life, and that is playing soccer. The only time my mind is clear is when I’m on the field, and the feeling I get when I push a ball far and high over the grass in indescribable. I have had three knee surgeries to date, and will have spent a combined total of over a year and a half rehabbing and resting after each one. These processes are both physically and emotionally demanding. Before my first surgery I had never even considered setting foot in the weight room. In order to get back in shape, I needed to put in extra time on my own. Although generally I am not a shy person, I felt like an outsider amongst the guys and adults toning their muscles, and kept to myself. Eventually I became a regular on the elliptical. I would spend the time on the machine calculating the average amount of calories I was burning at a certain speed, or just reflecting on the day’s events. I tried using an iPod a few times and found that it helped time to pass quicker, but it also sort of annoyed me. Music blasted through my thoughts, interrupting the silence I associated with solitude and had become comfortable with.

But there are challenges greater than knee surgeries. Just over two years ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a hard time in my house. Emotions were high and my dad, brother, and I each responded differently to the situation. My mother is a relatively private person, and initially asked that we keep the status of her health within our family. I understood, for it was not my struggle to share. But I was scared. I needed to be brave and show my mom that cancer should be met and challenged with a fighting spirit, so I could not share my fears with her. Respecting her request I could not tell my friends either. Inside my mind my emotions were screaming; I have never been one to keep secrets. But outwardly I remained silent and isolated. I felt alone because of what I held within even when friends surrounded me. For the first time in my life I had to take care of my mom, being the support she had always been for me. The months of chemotherapy were sad, stressful, and sometimes scary, but we came out a better family on the other side. Like many others, my mother is my role model and I will never stop admiring her bravery and strength.

When I look at myself I do not see a girl, but I do not see a woman either. The forced year away from my mother did not only thrust responsibility upon me, but led me towards independence as well. It was like the guard shack on a greater scale. Throughout these experiences I became content with being alone and in silence. I am a young woman. I have learned to be patient, responsible for myself, to take care of my body and to take care of others. I have come a little ways from childhood, but still have many steps to go before becoming a true woman. As a little girl I sat with no one to talk to on the too-small bench joined by the company of my thoughts, and began my journey of becoming a woman.